Topsfield Police Department Press Release

August 2, 2010

On August 1st, 2010 Topsfield Police responded to a call for medical aid at 24 Howlett Street in Topsfield.

A male subject, who is old enough to know better, was using a 12 foot aluminum extension ladder to cut some vines down that were choking one of his trees. Apparently the ladder was not securely resting against the tree but rather on the mass of vines he was cutting. The keystone vine was cut and the subject lost his balance on the ladder as the vine, ladder, and subject were hurled earthward.

The subject landed on the soft ground but the ladder landed on the subject and cracked his head open like a ripe cantaloupe. After running up the driveway spurting blood like a “Nightmare on Elm Street” casualty, the male subject proceeded to bleed all over the granite front steps, foyer rug, kitchen floor, and really cool brand-new touchless faucet. The subject’s wife looked for her gun but the male subject wasn’t wiggling enough to justify the action.

Multiple Rescue and police units arrived within minutes of the call and enjoyed a good laugh when they saw it wasn’t the subject’s wife who was in trouble. Officer Jack was overheard saying “Sounds like you’ve got great material for your annual Christmas card.”

Ten stitches, bloody clothes galore, a tetnus shot, and a “Pay no attention to the screaming children” comment…and the male subject made it safely back home.

If anybody was wondering what happened to my dad… I can’t wait for the pictures. Next time, please hire some neighborhood kid or wear a helmet.