For reasons unknown, I found myself in Mexico. I landed in Cozumel, where maximum humidity inflated my skin to twice its normal size. Despite this, I was still able to operate a camera.

Shortly after landing, I arrived at my first hotel. Mexican Towel Swans, once believed to be extinct, have recently experienced a resurgence. I spotted one in its natural habitat of a hotel room.

Here is the view outside my hotel room. As you might imagine, I got lost constantly. You would turn a corner and see this. Then turn a corner, and see this again.

If you turned the correct sequence of corners, however, you would see this:

On day 2, I did this:

It’s sunny in the picture, but shortly afterwards it started to rain and I was covered in mud. +10 badassness. I am also pictured with a perfectly legal cigar.

Also while on this trip, me and my guide stopped to go swimming in a bat cave. The water was green thanks to a healthy dose of sulfur, and, presumably, bat shit.

On day three, I went to Chichen Itza, Mexico’s premier shopping area for cheap souvenirs. Look hard enough, though, there are also some pretty sweet Mayan ruins here as well.

In this stone carving, the winner of the ball game is being sacrificed. Note how his blood sprays out from his neck-hole.

A few days later, I was at my next hotel. Whereas the first hotel catered mainly to couples, this one catered to crying children.

It was from here that I embarked on the coolest voyage I will ever embark upon: Speedboating. Here I am tearing it up. Badassness +50.

The next day I went to a spa for “Oriental Foot Therapy.” This involves 40 minutes of trying not to laugh hysterically as trained professionals touch your feet in majestic ways. The spa left no detail unchecked to ensure maximum peace and tranquility. That is why, underneath their tissue box holders, they used the most tranquil brand of tissues:

Then, it was back to the airport for my flight home. Not before a trip to the bathroom, however, and the creepiest ad you will ever see:

And with that, it was adios Mexico!